Tag: gratefulness

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You must learn to let go. Life is not easy for any one of us.

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang from Unsplash

I have the fear of closed spaces.

However, I do like empty spaces. They are liberating. I literally can’t imagine not having time alone or not having time for silence around me, most times. I like good friends and they are few. I know people who are very scared of sharks and deep ocean\water. I also know people who are scared of heights and looking down a terrific slope. The interesting part is that I have an obsession with heights even if I am scared of exploring an adventurous sky dive. I want to swim with big fish and have an exciting ocean holiday tattooed somewhere forever in my mind. I think that I am fascinated by them as much as I am scared of them.
We are all scared of different things and yet so similar we are, in how we want to conquer them or how we wish they could simply be avoided.

I used to be like you. I used to think a lot and stress about life right before I sleep. I still do worry a lot sometimes. But the degree is less. You just have to find something you like to do at night. That can give you some peace in mind. Maybe listen to some music/songs..have a grateful thought, forgive an action of someone who hurt you, disarm your defences a bit.
Don’t worry so much okay.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.
https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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These moments are irresistible.

Photo by Sapan Patel from Unsplash

(And some of the best moments in our life are yet to come.)

Maybe the kind of home we’re looking for is not the place or in a person, you know. Maybe we just want to find ourselves because we have lost track of who we are in the process of becoming acceptable to the eyes of everyone. That is the hardest part of being lost.

There’s also something beautiful and magical about sharing your thoughts to somebody. After all that’s one of the best thing we could ever experience in life, to share parts of you to somebody, who waits and listens.

Do you feel it, too? Something has shifted, subtly, in the last few months. Just as we have become more mindful of diet, fitness, relationships and safety, we have become more mindful of the way we view the world. No longer can we behave at our will or transport ourselves to far away places like we do on a holiday. Those memories seem to be fading away in my mind. How about you? There’s also a longing to connect with all those places at a deeper level. All the old familiar places, I’ll be looking at you like I never visited you before.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.
https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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Have you ever “killed” someone with kindness?

Yes, I did! Everyday on my teaching job at middle school classes I was a part of, for over 5 years.
I did my best to constantly kill them with kindness.
My schools had all hand picked teachers who had experience and the know how to physically, mentally and psychologically handle these independent diamonds in the rough.

The longest it took me to “kill” a student with my kindness was a boy with serious esteem issues and who would be an outcast mostly. It took a full 3 months. I pulled all my tricks of the trade to try and wrap him around my finger. I didn’t call on him when he wasn’t paying attention, but did when I knew he had been listening.

I smiled at everyone daily, greeting them at my door using their names.
I handed out public compliments they did nice things to others, at random times, so they had to pay attention.
I had small hand made notes for those in need of attention or support and never embarrassed them. Kindness, again.

When teaching, I would stop a lesson immediately and offer emotional support if someone wasn’t with us. They were more important than what I was teaching. Kindness, was always number one.
I really did love my students. It was also very easy for me to use kindness because it was second nature to me.
They also learned to their dismay, that kindness is not a weakness.

Gee, I loved those days and miss them!

I’ve often found that being kind is the ultimate “pay it forward” system. I have had strangers smile at me as we pass and I have spent my whole day trying to smile at some else back.

Again and again, kindness is never wasted, even if it appears so, because we are simply depositing it in a bank we cannot see and with results we may never witness ourselves. But they are there.
Again and again, we are not necessarily born knowing how to be gentle with ourselves or others. But we can learn, we can “pay it forward” so that maybe a tree will grow a little taller one day, and a person will carry themselves a little lighter and in turn help a stray dog or comfort a crying child.

Sometimes all we have to offer is scraps, but a little is enough, one small bandage at a time, one tiny gesture at a time, and that is enough. For if we all pay it forward than it is not small.

One smile at a time, one bank note at time, one person at a time. Pass it down the line– buy a stranger a snack, offer a kind word, understand that everyone is going through something.

Everyone is trying their best in the ways they know how.
You lose nothing when you considerate to others, but what we all have to gain is monumental.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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Listen, you are going to be okay.

She stood there – the first time seeing the beauty of what she had been pushing through, blindly searching for the path to the top. The clouds finally thinned and sunlight warmed her tired bones, while the memories of all these hard times started slipping.

How can one know how steep the slope actually feels before walking?
How can one know how far you need to go when the mountain is half covered in clouds?
How can one know what will happen one the way up? Who you will loose and what will leave you doubting?
And if you finally reach the top how will you decide to continue?

And then a voice speaks to me in a faint impression “Listen to me, my dear”. The composed sound resonated well with my senses. “You are the kindest, smartest, most beautiful person I have ever met. And you’re going to be so so happy. Okay?”

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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We are all just trying our best to figure ourselves out.

The good years of my life were mostly lived in disharmony. Infact quite similar to few of us- the unlucky ones on the planet.

I spent a considerable number of years, living in the past, worrying about something that happened, or in the future worrying about what’s yet to come. All the while, wasting the present moment, the one I actually have some control over. I have often wondered how different life would be now, if I had been more mindful and less judgemental.
What if I had appreciated every moment of my life by the minute.
Organically speaking, that rarely happens you see. Unless we have a terrific insight and the presence of mind, to logically transport ourselves through reality and common sense.

I have spent a considerable part of my life, comparing myself to other people. At every stage of my life, at every milestone I accomplished, there was someone who always seemed like competition. My paths and timelines were different and set up at a non linear pace, yet someone accomplishing a milestone before me, gave me a fear of being left behind. Someone else finding success before me, made me doubt my own accomplishments.

I had a great job and yet I used to wish day and night, to move back in with friends or family, back to the city I loved.

Friends were getting married before me and I thought I never will.

I would be be considerate of others and let them walk all over me because I was taught being nice is the only choice we have. It resulted in me having distorted boundaries.

You can be helpful and say no sometimes. I was a good person and the favourite feast for a pushover. I knew to be kind and didnt know how to keep unreciprocating takers at a distance.

I had not set limits because I did not want then, to be a bad person. You know what I mean.

What did I do everyday that has in bits, changed my life, slowly but surely. I am a more patient woman and less likely to be perturbed by anyone with disturbing behavior.

I broke my old practices.

I was expecting a different result without significantly changing my routine.
There was a stage of my life where I was stuck. My life was going nowhere.
I was in a job I didn’t really like, doing work I didn’t care about. And to distract myself, I was living a disarrayed life, mostly without a routine or set discipline. I used to eat out mindlessly, have no concerns about time and impact, be wasteful in my spending. I was young, earning well and independent.

I’m so guilty of wanting change without doing anything to get it. I realized that I need to change something about I did everyday, to make action; infact enjoyable and productive action a habit, for me to make anything out if my life.

Comparison kills all the fun!

I had a fetish for reading and writing since I remember. I used to particularly be in awe of friends who were into book publishing and content writing or even the print media or the otherwise agonizing advertising.
I have friends now, who would say the same in return. They loved their jobs but at the same time enjoyed my routine. I have met some of them recently who struggle to spend quality time with family and would do anything to be in my place.
Comparison is something that most of us struggle with, even more now when we compare our behind-the-scenes to someone’s highlight life on social media. The likes on Facebook are as worthy as oxygen to a dying patient sometimes.

We forget that we don’t know the whole story, it’s just a feed where we put the best version of ourselves.

I wouldn’t click a picture of myself after I have had a terrible deal with my husband with a f*cked up status line.
And so many of us, judge each others lives through such digital projection. I love social media. I am a freak sometimes. But it should be just that. Freaky and fun. I don’t attach any more meaning to it anymore. I have true admiration for anything that doesn’t steal my joy anymore.

Have faith.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason. A lot of things in my life, totally inexplicable at times have made

a lot if sense years later, in computation.
Me meeting the man of my world, in a city, I didn’t like much, is one such example.
I thought cultures would be distant and so would be our lives together.
Today he is my best friend, comfort and kickass buddy. I have understood very clearly that life happens, things don’t always go according to the plan and it’s important to have faith that everything will work out in the end. Maybe not as we thought it would. But it will get me exactly where I would be at peace with myself.

What is there to control, really!

I am by nature a very anxious person. It is quite a challenge for me to accept things as they are. This is particularly in case with my children. I am a perfectionist. I like things a certain way. I thought I would be the best mom. And all that frugal nonsense that comes alive with being a mother.
Two handsome boys hence now, I can bravely say that any such thought is utter bullshit.
My elder son was reeling with terrible breathing concerns till age 3 and I almost thought he had ADHD.
Years later he has no trace of any of that.
Perhaps I have imbibed both the problems.
Trust me, the only control you have is of you and your thoughts.
We cannot even control what our best friends and family think of us sometimes.

I have understood that it is just not possible for people to abandon their intelligence and use yours.don’t have control over what other people think of you. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don’t you get up and go do something about it? Let go of what you can’t control and accept what you can.

Very easy to write that. But believe me, either that or pain for life. I am a much more patient person today with the second child.

Love yourself.

We need adulation. Human beings are an interdependent species. We live in a world where we cannot antagonize the truth of togetherness.
I used to believe that you need to love yourself in order be loved by someone else. That’s what people said. But I don’t agree with it 100% anymore. No matter where you are on that journey, you deserve to be loved by others, and yourself. As much as I love myself, the love front others makes my life more enjoyable and worth the time.

Being truly oneself

For most of us , this is utter rubbish. Already we are a magnet for trouble. The how does continuing on similar knowledge fetch any more good.
It has become quite the cliche but it never hurts to say it one more time, especially for those of us struggling with it.
The truth is that I have tried acting different. In more majestic ways, sometimes imbibing qualities which I sae in others, even when they didn’t come to me naturally. After a point it is uneasy and disturbing. It makes you irritable.

It sounds stylish to be flawed and quirky. The often repeated embrace yourself, need not be dramatic. Simply being yourself and taking truthful steps is magic enough in the current world.
When we let go off, the wierd things people think about us, it makes it possible to live easy without constant speed catching with others expectations.

We look funny doing that race.

Everyone is attractive when you look closely.

I look around me and as crazy as it may be, everyone motivates me. I don’t know why it is like that.

Maybe I compare myself so hard and I find fault in most of what I do.
Well technically, that’s not the best way to explain this point, but it is aboutbeing honest right?
Considering the amount of toxic people around you, at any given time, it is a blessing to to able to look up to anybody with a lesson to teach.

My neighbor who leaves her two year old son with a help at home, with no one else to watch over, because she had to earn a collective living for the family, has taught me that mother’s out there, do astounding work. She shows me strength and passion for her family.

Those small moments are damn big!

Ah, everyone says this one.
Where are those small moments. How do I know they exist? I am a confused person most times.
It can be tricky because your mind tends to look for big, exciting things.
Eventually after years of nonchalance, I still look back and know I could have lived my life better.

Those small moments, which I never saw have become a memory now and even today I grapple with what is small and presumably precious. I am learning everyday at hindsight.

Let’s keep the list alive and kicking. What has helped you collect yourself and be alive, when you were feeling lost?

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

Posted on

We are all just trying our best to figure ourselves out

The good years of my life were mostly lived in disharmony. Infact quite similar to few of us- the unlucky ones on the planet. I spent a considerable number of years, living in the past, worrying about something that happened, or in the future worrying about what’s yet to come. All the while, wasting the present moment, the one I actually have some control over. I have often wondered how different life would be now, if I had been more mindful and less judgemental.
What if I had appreciated every moment of my life by the minute.
Organically speaking, that rarely happens you see. Unless we have a terrific insight and the presence of mind, to logically transport ourselves through reality and common sense.

I have spent a considerable part of my life, comparing myself to other people. At every stage of my life, at every milestone I accomplished, there was someone who always seemed like competition. My paths and timelines were different and set up at a non linear pace, yet someone accomplishing a milestone before me, gave me a fear of being left behind. Someone else finding success before me, made me doubt my own accomplishments.

I had a great job and yet I used to wish day and night, to move back in with friends or family, back to the city I loved.

Friends were getting married before me and I thought I never will.

I would be be considerate of others and let them walk all over me because I was taught being nice is the only choice we have. It resulted in me having distorted boundaries.

You can be helpful and say no sometimes. I was a good person and the favourite feast for a pushover. I knew to be kind and didnt know how to keep unreciprocating takers at a distance.

I had not set limits because I did not want then, to be a bad person. You know what I mean.

What did I do everyday that has in bits, changed my life, slowly but surely. I am a more patient woman and less likely to be perturbed by anyone with disturbing behavior.

I broke my old practices.

I was expecting a different result without significantly changing my routine.
There was a stage of my life where I was stuck. My life was going nowhere.
I was in a job I didn’t really like, doing work I didn’t care about. And to distract myself, I was living a disarrayed life, mostly without a routine or set discipline. I used to eat out mindlessly, have no concerns about time and impact, be wasteful in my spending. I was young, earning well and independent.

I’m so guilty of wanting change without doing anything to get it. I realized that I need to change something about I did everyday, to make action; infact enjoyable and productive action a habit, for me to make anything out if my life.

Comparison kills all the fun!

I had a fetish for reading and writing since I remember. I used to particularly be in awe of friends who were into book publishing and content writing or even the print media or the otherwise agonizing advertising.
I have friends now, who would say the same in return. They loved their jobs but at the same time enjoyed my routine. I have met some of them recently who struggle to spend quality time with family and would do anything to be in my place.
Comparison is something that most of us struggle with, even more now when we compare our behind-the-scenes to someone’s highlight life on social media. The likes on Facebook are as worthy as oxygen to a dying patient sometimes.
We forget that we don’t know the whole story, it’s just a feed where we put the best version of ourselves. I wouldn’t click a picture of myself after I have had a terrible deal with my husband with a f*cked up status line.
And so many of us, judge each others lives through such digital projection. I love social media. I am a freak sometimes. But it should be just that. Freaky and fun. I don’t attach any more meaning to it anymore. I have true admiration for anything that doesn’t steal my joy anymore.

Have faith.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason. A lot of things in my life, totally inexplicable at times have made a lot if sense years later, in computation.
Me meeting the man of my world, in a city, I didn’t like much, is one such example.
I thought cultures would be distant and so would be our lives together.
Today he is my best friend, comfort and kickass buddy. I have understood very clearly that life happens, things don’t always go according to the plan and it’s important to have faith that everything will work out in the end. Maybe not as we thought it would. But it will get me exactly where I would be at peace with myself.

What is there to control, really!

I am by nature a very anxious person. It is quite a challenge for me to accept things as they are. This is particularly in case with my children. I am a perfectionist. I like things a certain way. I thought I would be the best mom. And all that frugal nonsense that comes alive with being a mother.

Two handsome boys hence now, I can bravely say that any such thought is utter bullshit.
My elder son was reeling with terrible breathing concerns till age 3 and I lmost thought he had ADHD.
Years later he has no trace of any of that.
Perhaps I have imbibed both the problems.
Trust me, the only control you have is of you and your thoughts.
We cannot even control what our best friends and family think of us sometimes. I have understood that it is just not possible for people to abandon their intelligence and use yours.don’t have control over what other people think of you. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don’t you get up and go do something about it?

Let go of what you can’t control and accept what you can. Very wasy to write that. But believe me either that or pain for life. I am a much more patient person today with the second child.

Love yourself.

We need adulation. Human beings are an interdependent species. We live in a world where we cannot antagonize the truth of togetherness.
I used to believe that you need to love yourself in order be loved by someone else. That’s what people said. But I don’t agree with it 100% anymore. No matter where you are on that journey, you deserve to be loved by others, and yourself. As much as I love myself, the love front others makes my life more enjoyable and worth the time.

Being truly oneself

For most of us , this is utter rubbish. Already we are a magnet for trouble. The how does continuing on similar knowledge fetch any more good.
It has become quite the cliche but it never hurts to say it one more time,especially for those of us struggling with it.
The truth is that I have tried acting different. In more majestic ways, sometimes imbibing qualities which I sae in others, even when they didn’t come to me naturally. After a point it is uneasy and disturbing. It makes you irritable. It sounds stylish to be flawed and quirky. The often repeated embrace yourself, need not be dramatic. Simply being yourself and taking truthful steps is magic enough in the current world.
When we let go off, the wierd things people think about us, it makes it possible to live easy without constant speed catching with others expectations. We look funny doing that race.

Everyone is attractive when you look closely.

I look around me and as crazy as it may be, everyone motivates me. I don’t know why it is like that. Maybe I compare myself so hard and I find fault in most of what I do.
Well technically, that’s not the best way to explain this point, but it is about being honest right?
Considering the amount of toxic people around you, at any given time, it is a blessing to to able to look up to anybody with a lesson to teach.

My neighbor who leaves her two year old son with a help at home, with no one else to watch over, because she had to earn a collective living for the family, has taught me that mother’s out there, do astounding work. She shows me strength and passion for her family.

Those small moments are damn big!

Ah, everyone says this one.
Where are those small moments. How do I know they exist? I am a confused person most times.
It can be tricky because your mind tends to look for big, exciting things.
Eventually after years of nonchalance, I still look back and know I could have lived my life better. Those small moments, which I never saw have become a memory now and even today I grapple with what is small and presumably precious. I am learning everyday at hindsight.

Let’s keep the list alive and kicking. What has helped you collect yourself and be alive, when you were feeling lost?

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish

http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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Self love f*ck yeah, but love from the other side is a blessing too!

Have you ever heard someone say, “I only got six hours of sleep last night”, to which the other person rolls their eyes and thinks (or maybe says), “well, I only got four”.

In other words, feeling invalidated.

This whole one-up style of argument is annoying, but frankly, understandable– we all want others to acknowledge our problems and feel like they are valid. But by undermining someone else’s issues for the sake of our own, is tough on certain emotions, you see.

Isn’t the whole point that we’re both tired? What if the person who had six hours of sleep just came off of a twelve-hour work shift, and we had a nap earlier in the day?

The point is, we don’t know other peoples’ circumstances, either. But it’s reasonable to want our problems to be recognized too– everyone does, really.

While in those unfriendly situations, it is nice to stay humble and maintain perspective and perhaps even, smile away that vibe, it truly does cause tremendous pain.

I have figured at forty, that I could do without such energy.

Everyone needs validation.
We all crave for attention, in a good way. We like our work being appreciated. It gives a momentum to our pace when we are told that we are doing attractive things.
Or that we cook tremendous recipes.
Maybe we are the city’s best entrepreneur.
One hell of a make up artist and my personal favourite, the best dance artist in the neighborhood.

Who doesn’t like an appreciative smile.
Because we are all emotional people and we all have thoughts.
There is a thin line between seeking validation from places where you are not sure about positive flow. Then there is an unhealthy circulation of ill feelings and troubled relationships.

Here there is automatically an imbalance in relationships.
But being open to validation from those who are encouraging and looking forward to your happiness each day, is strength at another level.
This can rarely go wrong.
I have a friend, who is the first to know about all my achievements. She has me to share with, all her feats, the successful woman she is, in an immediate order as it happens.
This is validation again.
The one that flows generously, without headaches and ill feelings in the digestive system.
Calling loved ones and reminding myself of how much they value me and sharing my experiences and recognizing, through the resultant conversations, that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles, is healthy.

I am glad I could write this.

I am grateful for all the lovely people who make me feel alive and a true part of their sad and happy moments without invalidating my own.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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My lost friend, I long to meet you again.

(Photo by We Heart It)

Have friends whom you are not in touch with?

Losing a friend is the breakup nobody talks about, nobody writes songs about.

I hadn’t expected it to hit me like that again. I thought I was over her. But I’m not. It’s been fifteen years since I last spoke to her.

We loved each other. She was the first one to know about the hero of my life. And now she knows nothing about any of me. I remember pushing the bar to search for her. Like she disappeared into nothingness.

Sometimes I don’t think about her for weeks and then, out of nowhere, it all hits me again. That whatever we had, is gone, only a memory that keeps fading and doesn’t feel real anymore. As if it belonged to another me.
I miss the old days. The everyday talks, the secrets, those girl-things, the stay overs. I miss her, I miss who I was around her.

Please give me a moment and read. This is exactly how I feel. This time I have been able to describe it perfectly-

“Sometimes I really am awful in regards to keeping in contact with others. I want healthy and fulfilling relationships with my friends, but it’s very hard for me to wholly invest myself. I want to talk to you, but it’s difficult for me to muster the energy to do so sometimes. I want to hang out with you, but isolation also sounds nice right now. I’ll read your texts, but I’m not necessarily in the mood to reply at the moment. Then I feel anxious attempting to reach out when I do have the energy and I am in a good mood because I feel like I pushed you away and you dislike me now, so I usually remain isolated.”

If I had a chance to write a letter, this is what it would say-

“Friend, I like you. And that’s that.
No matter the distance, you will always be remembered.
I hope you will walk into my life like autumn and I will meet you like the fall.
And maybe it will happen like Troye Sivan sang:

I’m sure we’ll meet in the spring again,
And catch up on everything
and I´ll hug you and say I’m proud of all that you’ve done.”

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

To follow my work on.
https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

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And I am going to have fun every day, because there is no other way to play.

She was the heart of the clan, the favourite amongst all the wildflowers. She brought them all together and kept them as a unit across miles. She knew all their secrets and had the greatest stories.

She loved short unplanned naps accompanying her books. Always ready with a warm hug and anyone who approached her was greeted with a charming smile. . She asked for your good company and nothing else at all!
Straightforward but polite, strong but always looking for love, never letting away a laugh, always with a bright smile. She was a wondrous soul always looking for the finer meaning to life.

There was a part of her that never wanted to grow up and she was ok with it. While many others were sore with the blinding rains, she looked out of the window and weaved words in her brilliant mind. While many others partied in colourful bliss, she got together with her pals over long breezy silent walks in their warmth.

Her eyes were unmistakably loud. She spoke a million words without saying anything at all. Her careless postures meant nothing. But she lived her life watching people define movements- through their eyes. She was shy but so what.
The shy ones were the best ones, they were the wildest ones!

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

To follow my work on.
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http://instagram.com/sayitnish
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I glow without stealing someone else’s sunshine.

Heard the song ‘You can’t break me’ by V Bozeman?
It’s great when you have a friend that gets you – you don’t need to break everything you say down for them to understand – they are rare and most precious people.
I say this from personal experience. We were close, I think. I had met her after a gap of few years. It was a new feeling. Perhaps, even exciting. We were close suddenly.
After about a year of sweet interaction, things changed dramatically. I felt they expected me to be a certain way, perhaps even critical and condescending about just everyone who would hava a good cahnce at life.
I never understand this need to talk about others. I used to take it upon myself to be more present and just not speak when I didn’t have anything to contribute.
I don’t like making my life a subject for anyone and likewise for others too.
Similarly, I would show a complete disinterest in all that she had to talk about any one else, mostly who never mattered to either of us.

After months, I looked in the mirror at myself and spoke out loud, “I’m pissed at you.”

This wasn’t a comment directed at myself, but at a close friend of mine — the person I had started to resent a few weeks prior, but instead of bringing it up at the time, I remained silent, distant, passive.

So there I was, alone at home practicing the very words I wanted to utter on several occasions over several calls, uncertain that I’d have the courage to make it happen. I am always struggling with finding the right way to let the people I care about know that I’m upset, disappointed or simply pissed off.
I felt a huge burden on myself. Initially I couldn’t quite put a finger to what was really going wrong . I nevertheless tried to make up with listening time extended, more calls and appreciation messages on occasions and keeping touch, whenever I felt a dip in the connection. I felt it was all wrong. Not working for me, like I would like it to.

After a while, it was awful to realise they just didn’t care, how I would be hurt and that perhaps they found fault in me, for not living up to a certain expectation of a friend.
I understood we all have our lists of perfect qualities. I knew I didn’t match up to theirs. They had other requirements and clearly I couldn’t have of them! I spent months on my own, day by day, as I got over it with the help of some rational self talk.
Sometimes we find ourselves at crossroads with people that we may have been excited to form bonds with at first, and yet are left wondering why they’re still in your phone contacts or friends on social media now. Sure enough, it can be painful, but it’s alright to shrug your shoulders and say, “We had a beautiful connection once, and I’m grateful for it: but now we’re just in really different places.” Drifting apart doesn’t mean you have to formally sever ties, but it’s OK to find yourself less invested in a friendship that used to be, if not your entire world, an exciting part of it. It doesn’t make me or them a bad person — it’s just about coming to terms with the knowledge that sometimes our full original selves just don’t match with old friends anymore.

(Thankyou for reading this article!)

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