You must learn to let go. Life is not easy for any one of us.

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang from Unsplash

I have the fear of closed spaces.

However, I do like empty spaces. They are liberating. I literally can’t imagine not having time alone or not having time for silence around me, most times. I like good friends and they are few. I know people who are very scared of sharks and deep ocean\water. I also know people who are scared of heights and looking down a terrific slope. The interesting part is that I have an obsession with heights even if I am scared of exploring an adventurous sky dive. I want to swim with big fish and have an exciting ocean holiday tattooed somewhere forever in my mind. I think that I am fascinated by them as much as I am scared of them.
We are all scared of different things and yet so similar we are, in how we want to conquer them or how we wish they could simply be avoided.

I used to be like you. I used to think a lot and stress about life right before I sleep. I still do worry a lot sometimes. But the degree is less. You just have to find something you like to do at night. That can give you some peace in mind. Maybe listen to some music/songs..have a grateful thought, forgive an action of someone who hurt you, disarm your defences a bit.
Don’t worry so much okay.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.
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These moments are irresistible.

Photo by Sapan Patel from Unsplash

(And some of the best moments in our life are yet to come.)

Maybe the kind of home we’re looking for is not the place or in a person, you know. Maybe we just want to find ourselves because we have lost track of who we are in the process of becoming acceptable to the eyes of everyone. That is the hardest part of being lost.

There’s also something beautiful and magical about sharing your thoughts to somebody. After all that’s one of the best thing we could ever experience in life, to share parts of you to somebody, who waits and listens.

Do you feel it, too? Something has shifted, subtly, in the last few months. Just as we have become more mindful of diet, fitness, relationships and safety, we have become more mindful of the way we view the world. No longer can we behave at our will or transport ourselves to far away places like we do on a holiday. Those memories seem to be fading away in my mind. How about you? There’s also a longing to connect with all those places at a deeper level. All the old familiar places, I’ll be looking at you like I never visited you before.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.
https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

My lost friend, I long to meet you again.

(Photo by We Heart It)

Have friends whom you are not in touch with?

Losing a friend is the breakup nobody talks about, nobody writes songs about.

I hadn’t expected it to hit me like that again. I thought I was over her. But I’m not. It’s been fifteen years since I last spoke to her.

We loved each other. She was the first one to know about the hero of my life. And now she knows nothing about any of me. I remember pushing the bar to search for her. Like she disappeared into nothingness.

Sometimes I don’t think about her for weeks and then, out of nowhere, it all hits me again. That whatever we had, is gone, only a memory that keeps fading and doesn’t feel real anymore. As if it belonged to another me.
I miss the old days. The everyday talks, the secrets, those girl-things, the stay overs. I miss her, I miss who I was around her.

Please give me a moment and read. This is exactly how I feel. This time I have been able to describe it perfectly-

Sometimes I really am awful in regards to keeping in contact with others. I want healthy and fulfilling relationships with my friends, but it’s very hard for me to wholly invest myself. I want to talk to you, but it’s difficult for me to muster the energy to do so sometimes. I want to hang out with you, but isolation also sounds nice right now. I’ll read your texts, but I’m not necessarily in the mood to reply at the moment. Then I feel anxious attempting to reach out when I do have the energy and I am in a good mood because I feel like I pushed you away and you dislike me now, so I usually remain isolated.”

If I had a chance to write a letter, this is what it would say-

“Friend, I like you. And that’s that.
No matter the distance, you will always be remembered.
I hope you will walk into my life like autumn and I will meet you like the fall.
And maybe it will happen like Troye Sivan sang:

I’m sure we’ll meet in the spring again,
And catch up on everything
and I´ll hug you and say I’m proud of all that you’ve done.”

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

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You get so alone at times that it just makes sense.

I often wonder why do I feel alone with so many people around. How many of us feel like this?

I have this book resting on the table, in front of me, as I write. Charles Bukowski’s ‘You get so alone at times that it just makes sense’.

This arrived today….. I am 3 poems down.

I bought this on a whim after it was referred to in another book I was reading.
Through the pages,he describes some of his days, events, drowsy nights and moments of solitude.
One of those great books that will bring you to reality, with a knowing smile, endlessly. I like it very much.
I don’t have words for how much I need this right now ..
It s like he spoke for all of. In truth, why do we feel so if we don’t miss anything? Is this in the human nature?

In an alternate setting, I picture this-

I am watching the sun set in my porch with my hair loose and a book to hold. The sky is a combination of oranges and light greys disappearing into the hill, afar. There is a breeze but it’s warm so I let it soak into my tired evening skin.

I am sitting in the shade of twilight and smile for no particular reason… maybe the joy of nothing to do in the moment. contentedness is the word for it.

My muscles are relaxed, no nerve twitches, in the company of people who make me feel seen. Goodness, this is the place I would rather be.

I am singing a song while making my bed and kinda dancing to it, because it just hits different. I feel the lightness in my soul, maybe temporary and go with it, having fun and not caring who sees.

I look deep into the eyes of someone I know and see their beautiful heart. It will change my life for the better, when I do that little excited thing of telling them about it.

I see a new place and my body and soul is warm and fills with curiosity, with wonderment, because everything new that comes my way, takes away a little more pain from what I already knew.

These are the moments to be patient for.

These are the days I want to live for .

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

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I glow without stealing someone else’s sunshine!

Heard the song ‘You can’t break me’ by V Bozeman?

It’s great when you have a friend that gets you – you don’t need to break everything you say down for them to understand – they are rare and most precious people.

I say this from personal experience. We were close, I think. I had met her after a gap of few years. It was a new feeling. Perhaps, even exciting. We were close suddenly.

After about a year of sweet interaction, things changed dramatically. I felt they expected me to be a certain way, perhaps even critical and condescending about just everyone who would hava a good cahnce at life.
I never understand this need to talk about others. I used to take it upon myself to be more present and just not speak when I didn’t have anything to contribute.

I don’t like making my life a subject for anyone and likewise for others too.
Similarly, I would show a complete disinterest in all that she had to talk about any one else, mostly who never mattered to either of us.

After months, I looked in the mirror at myself and spoke out loud, “I’m pissed at you.”

This wasn’t a comment directed at myself, but at a close friend of mine — the person I had started to resent a few weeks prior, but instead of bringing it up at the time, I remained silent, distant, passive.

So there I was, alone at home practicing the very words I wanted to utter on several occasions over several calls, uncertain that I’d have the courage to make it happen. I am always struggling with finding the right way to let the people I care about know that I’m upset, disappointed or simply pissed off.
I felt a huge burden on myself.

Initially I couldn’t quite put a finger to what was really going wrong . I nevertheless tried to make up with listening time extended, more calls and appreciation messages on occasions and keeping touch, whenever I felt a dip in the connection.

I felt it was all wrong. Not working for me, like I would like it to.

After a while, it was awful to realise they just didn’t care, how I would be hurt and that perhaps they found fault in me, for not living up to a certain expectation of a friend.
I understood we all have our lists of perfect qualities. I knew I didn’t match up to theirs.

They had other requirements and clearly I couldn’t have of them! I spent months on my own, day by day, as I got over it with the help of some rational self talk.

Sometimes we find ourselves at crossroads with people that we may have been excited to form bonds with at first, and yet are left wondering why they’re still in your phone contacts or friends on social media now.

Sure enough, it can be painful, but it’s alright to shrug your shoulders and say, “We had a beautiful connection once, and I’m grateful for it: but now we’re just in really different places.”

Drifting apart doesn’t mean you have to formally sever ties, but it’s OK to find yourself less invested in a friendship that used to be, if not your entire world, an exciting part of it.

It doesn’t make me or them a bad person — it’s just about coming to terms with the knowledge that sometimes our full original selves just don’t match with old friends anymore.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

This is how we will open up to each other!

Photo by David Marcu from Unsplash

We hide so much of ourselves from each other. I do too, because of the fear of comparison and judgement.
Yet, this is how most of us, wake up on most mornings, with similar feelings.

I think the worst part is knowing that if I wanted to, really wanted to, if I tried hard enough, I could wake up and change everything. I could hang out with my friends and not be scared to run out of things to say. I can change my own life at any moment. But I don’t ‘want’ to, you see. How I love being sad, love rotting to boredom, in my room while people have fun without me, in another world. I love imagining little scenarios in my head instead of making them real, like a sad little child playing with dolls.

I love hybernating through seasons of joy. I think I would be bored otherwise. I am afraid to be great and to have everything I think I want. It terrifies me because what I really want, deep down, is to keep hiding. I am scared to admit it but it’s true. It’s the only thing I really love today.

I don’t love my friends all the time, or myself or my work.

As some days pass by, they leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling inside, those are the days I feel, I must jot down in a gratitude journal, to flip back through on my not so great days, to remember why I love life and being alive. Yes those days happen often. I dress up and feel sexy. I wear the smell of my favourite shampoo on my hair. I buy doughnuts and cookies and snap them with children, I listen to podcasts as I work the kitchen sink.

When we are in a dark place, our mind tricks us into thinking that all days are like this and covers our memories in a film of grey and ugliness. I wish to hold on to those days that leave me feeling like there is sunshine in my chest, take photos to remember them by, write notes to read them after days. Even post about them on Elephant!

I know there is something so magical in the environment I create around myself.
A smile at a stranger, a relaxed moment by the residence fountain, a gentleness towards myself and others and knowledge that those who live beyond are feeling the same everyday and looking out for me, like I am secretly, yearning for them.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

Love, expectations and all the shit that comes with it.

People have different capacity for love. They each have a specific size vessel in which they can fill and flow love. It took me a very long time to figure that out. That thought has given me clarity and peace.

I have a couple of friends who are single at my age.

Clearly, they are single because they chose to be on that path.

The reasons may be one of the following-

Firstly,they are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at a particular point in time. They have a career to build, no care for other distractions and their hands are full to make promises of a lifetime, yet.

Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. Pressing and mysterious circumstances knock at everyone’s door, once in a while.

Third, they may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible.

Some of my friends, never had a problem finding good men to date. When I spoke to them about what they think, they almost unanimously answered that they believed, there is always- someone for everyone. If one man, or woman is “not the one” they may lead you to someone who is. Never drop your standards. Be honest, do a honest self evaluation on yourself. Ask close friends. Some of yours may come up with something similar.

I have another set of well meaning friends who don’t think they exist and are now, tired of being disappointed. It’s not even like they need a carbon copy of themselves , just someone halfway considerate, kind, and appreciative. But goodness, people can be shit.

Damn right. The intensity of your emotions should be understood and reciprocated equally. Else you end up being drained in every relationship.

I have a simple thought on this. Just give up and enjoy your life the best you can. Not everyone is meant for someone, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to have an awful life. I would tell my buddies this thing- that being single is better than being lonely and in a relationship. Don’t settle, don’t sell yourself short! I wonder how one could invest their feelings into someone or just anyone, just to not be alone.

Good partnerships are worth the wait. Everyone’s capacity for love (romantically) is different. It took me some time to learn this.. So many are shallow and/or materialistic or just willing to settle with comfortability. I always say that some people’s love is as deep as a puddle while others is as deep as the sea. I need depth, passion, soul changing love. It can leave you utterly devastated when lost but its the only kind of love that’s worth it .

I’ve been with my husband for fifteen years. We are almost complete opposites, including the way we show love.

Yes we have had ups and downs, been through the F- word journey and still do, almost every day and pardon me God, I wouldn’t get the joy of making up to anyone else but him. The extreme friend and companion.
While a miracle partnership isn’t happening anywhere in the world, common sense would say, enjoy being alone which very few of us can embrace. If you can handle and be happy at the same time of being alone by all means, you can handle any situation with or without someone… Cheers everyone and breathe, remember we all have one life, try not to complicate that.
And to all my single friends, I absolutely love you! I’m so proud of you and your super shiny spirit!!!

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

About job losses, burial of sanity and a test of human resilience.

(Photo by Alesia Kasantzeva from Unsplash)

So it has been a very long time that I wrote about what is happening around me, exactly. And I am here with some life updates, as it is happening to all of us.

Many of us are working from home during quarantine and life seems all good.
In similar cities and big towns, for many, their time has altered hugely many of them on the verge of or already having to lose their jobs.
The time many of us spend cursing the lackadaisical life, there are many people out there who spend all that time mainly focusing on working on their portfolio, applying for other jobs, feeling generally depressed and scared about being jobless during a pandemic, while still being contractually obligated to keep working for their very company until their termination date.

Let me give a writing prompt here. In a parallel world, hunters nowadays are starting to lose their jobs, because lonely powerful aliens simply refuse to let the hunters haunt their already power sick world, anymore.

Now the unfortunate part in this scenario. Many people also have a daily job to go to, not much to worry we think.
It’s more than just the obvious – pharmacies and hospitals and police and grocery stores.
Construction is still happening. Mechanics and electricians and tradesmen are still working. Municipal Service workers.
Manufacturing plants are still running. You have buildings full of 100+ employees in close quarters making the packaged food and toiletries and drinks and medicine you are buying in crazed bulk. There are people in the offices manning the phones dealing with customers.

Yes, they are making their money but that is not necessarily a relief. A lot of them would love to be home and know that they are not going to catch something on their commute. People who have immune-vulnerable relatives they have to take care of while they also have to work.

There are still people who need to use public transportation to get around and don’t have the option to NOT go to work.
There are deserted times when I might have thought- as I am agonizing about how bored I am at home or how I haven’t been able to finish my fanfic or even how I am celebrating my husband’s time off from frequenting work place and completing all our we-time projects.

Some people are just working… and anxious.. and tired.. and they don’t have a break on the horizon.

When it comes to losing a job, it’s so much more than losing the job and the income. It also means losing a routine, a sense of regularity, safety, honour and the relationships we’ve formed.

This connection between self-worth and work is vital as people largely blame themselves for the unfortunate life event and wonder what they personally did wrong to end up unemployed. They may also feel shame for not being able to provide financial stability and protection to the people they need to support, especially during a health crisis.
We use our fall and achievements, as the foundation for everything else that we do and so when somebody rocks that ground, everything else on top of that crumbles.

We read painful narrations on media about people below starry income levels living miserable lives and lifeless.
We also read about qualified and remarkably poised people in troubled mental dispositions.

Perhaps it is easy to be a leader when things are going according to financial and quarterly business plans but hard to fathom or respond to and undertake effective solutions, when things are going badly.

In these complicated times, how employees are measured with goodwill and care, will be remembered for years to come. How businesses respond will have a lasting impact on employee behavior including, engagement, productivity and loyalty.

Self care and sanity is a human right, not a billable item for employers to influence.

(Thank-you for reading this articl e!)

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I landed a man who also became my best friend.

(Photo by Heather Mount from Unsplash)

When I first met him, I was like this person desperately looking for companionship….I can say that I was almost looking for a bond of need. Deep inside, I knew that it was destined to fail because you cannot drink from an empty cup. I must search desperately for meaning and fullness that will fill the void within myself first.
The hunger never ends, as nothing can satisfy it except creating meaning within my own self. I grew up frenzied, inevitably falling to disappointment.
I was fortunate to have loving parents but there was always this thirst for finding meaning and an anchor in another.

I was mostly attached to the idea, the concept, the ideal that I had created in my mind of the other person; and so with the passing of years I learnt that it only leads to further heartache. When I grew up onto a strong, quite mature person I realised that paradoxically, in this hunger to find meaning in another, I might be either consciously or unconsciously blinded to each other’s true interests and passions; and thereby make an attempt to overwrite the other’s world with my own fears. And I did for a while. My worries and anxieties became his to worry about for a little time as well.

He came from a moment of rightness, of peace, of calm, of feeling at home. He taught me that instead of need, there is want and choice, which are completely different things and so does not cling desperately for anchor in another. Someone who took ownership of their inner wounds, their weaknesses, their shortcomings.

This is what is attractive. When, he knows that in order for a relationship to work, both will have to invest continuously, that at every dawn a new choice is to be made, that love isn’t just an endless honeymoon dictated by moods or needs or changing hearts; that love is choosing each other day by day, and knowing that there will be times when one will have to carry most of the weight to compensate for an imbalance, whatever the reason may be for this, or sometimes both will carry it equally, and so forth.

They know that in the end, it’s all about intent and choice, as long as they both hold on and want to be with each other, they will keep doing whatever necessary to make it work.
Most of all, they know that time changes things, that people evolve, and that is absolutely natural and essential for a joyous union, and to this end they strive to encourage and support you also in becoming our very best selves, in pursuing whatever passions set our heart alight.

With time, our bond has only strengthened like flowers in a garden. He and I were like a powerhouse of love, of unbreakable commitment, a power couple in its truest form. It is a divine union because there is nothing that cannot be achieved by two people that have reached such a state of friendship and intentional living.

I love him and he is my best friend.

Why I choose kindness as a remedy to almost all my problems.

(Photo by Andrea Tummons from Unsplash)

Do you ever feel so absolutely disinclined to do things?

Like it ain’t even postponement or laziness anymore, you just physically and mentally can’t bring yourself to do anything. It is like I really, really just wish to binge watch Discovery Plus, my favourite channel, until my mind numbs completely or lie on the bed and stare into the abyss.

And it’s not like I don’t have “motivation” or anything or even that I don’t want to do it, it’s just..I can’t. I don’t know, how people just do things randomly, get up and go at it. I have to have an entire existential crisis and like, read a goddamn motivational passage or something first before I do the smallest thing on a particularly difficult day and it’s June for God’s sake. ..and not much of monsoon to help ease the heat.

And just at times as these, sometimes I am immovably sunken. I just want someone to be kind and ask me how Iam doing and genuinely. It feels so good to be kind. We are all, rowing our heavy bars through the tough waters. We all hesitate.

But we are hopelessly looking for kind souls. It’s the warm feeling you get when someone tells me that I look nice today, or that I did a good job, or that my voice sounds lovely, or that the dinner I put together was delicious, or how I always laugh at their jokes.

It’s the warm feeling you get when they respond bashfully, or surprised, with that small smile and a thankfulness that shines in their eyes. It feels so good when someone is kind to you.

When it feels like the effort you put into the world is seen and acknowledged and appreciated. It feels so good when you’re able to make someone feel that wonderful.
It is certainly one of the best ways to build connections, if only for those few minutes that you’re in conversation with the other person.
All I want to do sometimes, on these days, is to put one foot in front of the other and be grateful.

I love the contagious nature of kindness. Have you noticed ..when someone goes out of their way to show kindness just because, it spurs others to do the same. I like simple things.

1. Giving them attention. Intentional eye contact and an inviting smile are my favourite ways to be nice. Everyone likes that.
2. Check on your neighbours once in a while. If it looks awkward, call them still and let them know that you just wanted to say a hello and ask if everything is going well with them. I have understood through practice that it wins hearts.
3. Smile at the person waiting next to you at the billing area. In most cases, they have similar agenda. They wish to collect their stuff, reach home to family.
4. Ask about someone’s pet as you meet them on your way. Ask how do they call them and say a kind word. It wins hearts.
5. Many an exhausted parent struggle when their toddler throws a wild tantrum in public space. I am a mother. I know it is a tricky situation. If you find someone in that situation, look at them with a smile and wink at them. Let them know it’s perfectly normal.
6. Say thank-you to the parking meter guy. He will be proud of his job.
7. Wish friends and acquaintances on their birthdays and send specially emoji-ed messages. It makes them happy. They will be find you attractive.

Good things happen tobhood people is a universal saying. In my modified personal note, I would say good vibes make you incredibly attractive.

Let’s make love!

(Thankyou for reading the article!)

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