Longing for friendship, in a busy coffee shop.

I am sitting at the table immediately next to the entrance desk of the Cafe.
I am waiting for a friend to arrive to meet me for a symbolic evening tea.

I must have arrived earlier than usual or so I think because the wait has now stretched to about twenty minutes and I was getting quietky self conscious.

The place around was cracking under the noise of hurried eating, using steel cutlery, clanking of beer bottles as people share a drink to their happiness, combined with the laughter and loud animated voices from the conversations, of all those over packed tables.
No table was waiting to be seized. Women dressed gorgeously were moving in and out of the restroom and there was a gush of people exiting the restaurant temporarily to light a cigarette. The graceful waiter would walk with his shoulder etched diagonally to make space for them, just in case they smashed into the large brown plate filled with pizzas, burgers, sandwiches and hot meals.

The attender gave me a knowing smile, every time, he passed me. I had a feeling I was the lonely one. I knew I had to do something to look occupied. I must not look like I am devoid of friends, rauccous stories and the vibrance associated with the upscale social life, as we see around us, into which we also are subconsciously working so hard to blend, with the associated precautions.

My day dreaming was cut short with a shrieking laughter of a woman in her late twenty’s who broke into a fit of back and forth sway of her body. She was delirious and was hoping to complete what she had to say through the fit of laughter that had gripped her.

It was nice. I enjoyed looking at her. I smiled too, beneath my lips. It relaxed me. I instantly shifted back on my chair, pushed myself to feel comfortable against the wooden hand bar and crossed my legs comfortably. My shoulders were relaxed this time, the stomach falling on me with all its natural weight and each round of breathing, clearly distinguishable from the one before.
Of course, my lovely friend walked in and we had a lovely time together. We smiled often, spoke about things that charmed me and her. We engaged in depth about how important it was, that we met.
Time passed and I felt an ache when I had to finally get up to leave.
It would mean that the good times would be coming to an end soon. That, from this beautifully orchestrated mood, I would soon be transported back into quietness, melancholy and the routine existence, which I so badly try and run away from.

I run to a crowded place like this and then again ruminate at the thought of being snatched away from magical moods. This is a never ending cycle. A cycle which comes and goes. Over which, we have no control but to endure and pass.
At such times, friends make life colorful. They are a desirable escape.
While my favourite moment was whem my stomach took its comfortable place, amidst heightened social anxiety and self enforced uneasiness, my friend was the icing on the cake.

I loved it.
I really enjoy my friends.

You end up not talking to anyone about anything for fear of being hurt. You cover your inner feelings with a smile and a joke. No one likes your truth.
But the truth is right there in that coffee shop. A perpetual longing for company and the struggle to feel comfortable in one’s skin.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

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Extremely sensitive people are not doormats or idiots.

I, the one, who is very sensitive.

I am the worst human being on the planet. They hate me. That’s it, I have ruined my relationships forever. I will never be forgiven. Why would they? What I did, whatever it was,was unforgivable. I feel guilty for things going wrong. I can feel their pain in my own chest. I am so heavy with this burden. Nothing can improve this.. Might as well leave hope.

‘She looks very loving and caring but prefers to distance herself from everyone, she is empath but keeps her emotions hidden away, is very hot-headed and protective of her loved ones.’

Have you ever felt like you can’t chill with certain people because they somehow drain your energy? Have you ever felt overwhelming emotions out of the bloom? Have you ever felt drawn to certain people to realize they somehow need your help? Have you ever felt like surrounding yourself around people can be overwhelming or watching the news is killing you inside?
There was a time where I never believed in something like this. Until it happened to me. I never knew it was a “thing” until I after reading a lot of articles (at the time) googled it, to find out that I was indeed an Empath.

Now for those who never heard about “Empath” you are probably thinking “The fuck is that?” 🤷🏼‍♀️

WHAT IS AN EMPATH?
People differ in their understanding of empathy.
According to Google’s dictionary definition, empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

To many people, it is commonly associated with sympathy, sensitivity, and oftentimes, weakness.
But what exactly is an empath? An empath is an extremely emotionally sensitive individual. Someone who reads situations well based on emotions and unspoken vibes.

I have had my perilous moments psychologically, when people, also friends often criticize me for being “too sensitive”.
I used to get hit with random emotions during or after being around other people.
My pain tolerance is low, both emotionally or physically.
Positive energy makes me feel like warm sunbeams are cascading around me and I have a strong impulse to be kind and compassionate towards others who are around me.

Mostly, I often feel drained after being around negative people for extended periods of time.

And I used to typically find myself surrounded by these characters.
Now this is indeed not an easy trait to have, we’ve all probably encountered that person who is a ‘total crybaby’ or who just feels too much and gets riled up easily.
And it can be misleading if you only use your eyes when looking at these people, you may see them and think, wow, what a crybaby! or you may think they are weak or too soft.
But! This is all a big misunderstanding!

I used to get legitimately angry about people’s feelings intruding so much into my mental space. On some days, èvery single thing felt like a nail on a wall. Every disappointed punctuation mark feels like gaslighting. Everything that is wrong feels like my responsibility. Friends who don’t get back to you even on their own whims, you feel you must reach out to them. And it gets so tiresome some days, that there is no fucking reprieve from it that I just want to scream’ will you just stop feeling around me!’

Typically, the people who make you feel useless are self centered and you instantly feel tired, uneasy, afraid or sad around them. They take advantage of your compassion through guilt tripping also at the same time lean on you as if you are a crutch.
Some might even be over dramatic in their evaluation of you.
Evidently, your stomach churns at the thought of being around them and you feel physically sick, anxious, angry and or depressed after spending time with them.
They typically dismiss your feelings or events going on in your life

Clearly, this is abusive.

How can I protect myself?
I will have to cut these energy vampires out of my life.
I am just trying to make it through life, same as everyone else.
Being kind is beautiful, but here’s the catch. If you are too nice to the point where you let people step over you, then it’s a fucking problem.
I am especially when I shouldn’t be to people I shouldn’t but, I can’t help it. I am working on it.

For all of us who struggle, I say this. Its alright to be sensitive. I guess that’s how you pay when you have magic in your heart.

I do attract narcissistic people. I am finally aware of it and wonder if it is something to be proud of. I am though I could not be any other way. I really do not show it from the outside.I put on a good front.You may call it a mask.

In my head the logic is very simple: people who don’t have empathy, can’t imagine someone else who does.
Because we only truly know what we have experienced in life.

As soon as understanding and logic kick in, the manipulative tactics of an aggressive person, no longer have an effect on you. Total understanding and clarity sans emotional entanglement lead you to freedom.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

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This year, stay alive and kicking!

Although this year, certainly doesn’t look like what most of us would have expected, there are always things to do, to give ourselves a boost.

Right now, a lot of things have been uncertain, disappointing, and sometimes, even difficult or frightening.

But despite it all there is so much good stuff we can still count on! This is the important thing to remember.

As I cruise through there terrible, sometimes claustrophobic times..it kinda helps to think about the good people I am yet to meet and the good places, I am yet to see in life!

My thoughts are most alive
when my world is warm
the wind is pleasant, the sun shines delicately

through the rustling leaves
the evenings are orange and grey

Ah, the beauty of the city lights at night
my children giving me a goodnight hug
these moments would bring a feeling

I could never describe in as many words
but i when I think about
how life would be without any of it
I would still be grateful
for any temporary moment of a gorgeous life
for as small as they came
they made me stay.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

We are all just trying our best to figure ourselves out.

The good years of my life were mostly lived in disharmony. Infact quite similar to few of us- the unlucky ones on the planet.

I spent a considerable number of years, living in the past, worrying about something that happened, or in the future worrying about what’s yet to come. All the while, wasting the present moment, the one I actually have some control over. I have often wondered how different life would be now, if I had been more mindful and less judgemental.
What if I had appreciated every moment of my life by the minute.
Organically speaking, that rarely happens you see. Unless we have a terrific insight and the presence of mind, to logically transport ourselves through reality and common sense.

I have spent a considerable part of my life, comparing myself to other people. At every stage of my life, at every milestone I accomplished, there was someone who always seemed like competition. My paths and timelines were different and set up at a non linear pace, yet someone accomplishing a milestone before me, gave me a fear of being left behind. Someone else finding success before me, made me doubt my own accomplishments.

I had a great job and yet I used to wish day and night, to move back in with friends or family, back to the city I loved.

Friends were getting married before me and I thought I never will.

I would be be considerate of others and let them walk all over me because I was taught being nice is the only choice we have. It resulted in me having distorted boundaries.

You can be helpful and say no sometimes. I was a good person and the favourite feast for a pushover. I knew to be kind and didnt know how to keep unreciprocating takers at a distance.

I had not set limits because I did not want then, to be a bad person. You know what I mean.

What did I do everyday that has in bits, changed my life, slowly but surely. I am a more patient woman and less likely to be perturbed by anyone with disturbing behavior.

I broke my old practices.

I was expecting a different result without significantly changing my routine.
There was a stage of my life where I was stuck. My life was going nowhere.
I was in a job I didn’t really like, doing work I didn’t care about. And to distract myself, I was living a disarrayed life, mostly without a routine or set discipline. I used to eat out mindlessly, have no concerns about time and impact, be wasteful in my spending. I was young, earning well and independent.

I’m so guilty of wanting change without doing anything to get it. I realized that I need to change something about I did everyday, to make action; infact enjoyable and productive action a habit, for me to make anything out if my life.

Comparison kills all the fun!

I had a fetish for reading and writing since I remember. I used to particularly be in awe of friends who were into book publishing and content writing or even the print media or the otherwise agonizing advertising.
I have friends now, who would say the same in return. They loved their jobs but at the same time enjoyed my routine. I have met some of them recently who struggle to spend quality time with family and would do anything to be in my place.
Comparison is something that most of us struggle with, even more now when we compare our behind-the-scenes to someone’s highlight life on social media. The likes on Facebook are as worthy as oxygen to a dying patient sometimes.

We forget that we don’t know the whole story, it’s just a feed where we put the best version of ourselves.

I wouldn’t click a picture of myself after I have had a terrible deal with my husband with a f*cked up status line.
And so many of us, judge each others lives through such digital projection. I love social media. I am a freak sometimes. But it should be just that. Freaky and fun. I don’t attach any more meaning to it anymore. I have true admiration for anything that doesn’t steal my joy anymore.

Have faith.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason. A lot of things in my life, totally inexplicable at times have made

a lot if sense years later, in computation.
Me meeting the man of my world, in a city, I didn’t like much, is one such example.
I thought cultures would be distant and so would be our lives together.
Today he is my best friend, comfort and kickass buddy. I have understood very clearly that life happens, things don’t always go according to the plan and it’s important to have faith that everything will work out in the end. Maybe not as we thought it would. But it will get me exactly where I would be at peace with myself.

What is there to control, really!

I am by nature a very anxious person. It is quite a challenge for me to accept things as they are. This is particularly in case with my children. I am a perfectionist. I like things a certain way. I thought I would be the best mom. And all that frugal nonsense that comes alive with being a mother.
Two handsome boys hence now, I can bravely say that any such thought is utter bullshit.
My elder son was reeling with terrible breathing concerns till age 3 and I almost thought he had ADHD.
Years later he has no trace of any of that.
Perhaps I have imbibed both the problems.
Trust me, the only control you have is of you and your thoughts.
We cannot even control what our best friends and family think of us sometimes.

I have understood that it is just not possible for people to abandon their intelligence and use yours.don’t have control over what other people think of you. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don’t you get up and go do something about it? Let go of what you can’t control and accept what you can.

Very easy to write that. But believe me, either that or pain for life. I am a much more patient person today with the second child.

Love yourself.

We need adulation. Human beings are an interdependent species. We live in a world where we cannot antagonize the truth of togetherness.
I used to believe that you need to love yourself in order be loved by someone else. That’s what people said. But I don’t agree with it 100% anymore. No matter where you are on that journey, you deserve to be loved by others, and yourself. As much as I love myself, the love front others makes my life more enjoyable and worth the time.

Being truly oneself

For most of us , this is utter rubbish. Already we are a magnet for trouble. The how does continuing on similar knowledge fetch any more good.
It has become quite the cliche but it never hurts to say it one more time, especially for those of us struggling with it.
The truth is that I have tried acting different. In more majestic ways, sometimes imbibing qualities which I sae in others, even when they didn’t come to me naturally. After a point it is uneasy and disturbing. It makes you irritable.

It sounds stylish to be flawed and quirky. The often repeated embrace yourself, need not be dramatic. Simply being yourself and taking truthful steps is magic enough in the current world.
When we let go off, the wierd things people think about us, it makes it possible to live easy without constant speed catching with others expectations.

We look funny doing that race.

Everyone is attractive when you look closely.

I look around me and as crazy as it may be, everyone motivates me. I don’t know why it is like that.

Maybe I compare myself so hard and I find fault in most of what I do.
Well technically, that’s not the best way to explain this point, but it is aboutbeing honest right?
Considering the amount of toxic people around you, at any given time, it is a blessing to to able to look up to anybody with a lesson to teach.

My neighbor who leaves her two year old son with a help at home, with no one else to watch over, because she had to earn a collective living for the family, has taught me that mother’s out there, do astounding work. She shows me strength and passion for her family.

Those small moments are damn big!

Ah, everyone says this one.
Where are those small moments. How do I know they exist? I am a confused person most times.
It can be tricky because your mind tends to look for big, exciting things.
Eventually after years of nonchalance, I still look back and know I could have lived my life better.

Those small moments, which I never saw have become a memory now and even today I grapple with what is small and presumably precious. I am learning everyday at hindsight.

Let’s keep the list alive and kicking. What has helped you collect yourself and be alive, when you were feeling lost?

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

Self love f*ck yeah, but love from the other side is a blessing too!

Have you ever heard someone say, “I only got six hours of sleep last night”, to which the other person rolls their eyes and thinks (or maybe says), “well, I only got four”.

In other words, feeling invalidated.

This whole one-up style of argument is annoying, but frankly, understandable– we all want others to acknowledge our problems and feel like they are valid. But by undermining someone else’s issues for the sake of our own, is tough on certain emotions, you see.

Isn’t the whole point that we’re both tired? What if the person who had six hours of sleep just came off of a twelve-hour work shift, and we had a nap earlier in the day?

The point is, we don’t know other peoples’ circumstances, either. But it’s reasonable to want our problems to be recognized too– everyone does, really.

While in those unfriendly situations, it is nice to stay humble and maintain perspective and perhaps even, smile away that vibe, it truly does cause tremendous pain.

I have figured at forty, that I could do without such energy.

Everyone needs validation.
We all crave for attention, in a good way. We like our work being appreciated. It gives a momentum to our pace when we are told that we are doing attractive things.
Or that we cook tremendous recipes.
Maybe we are the city’s best entrepreneur.
One hell of a make up artist and my personal favourite, the best dance artist in the neighborhood.

Who doesn’t like an appreciative smile.
Because we are all emotional people and we all have thoughts.
There is a thin line between seeking validation from places where you are not sure about positive flow. Then there is an unhealthy circulation of ill feelings and troubled relationships.

Here there is automatically an imbalance in relationships.
But being open to validation from those who are encouraging and looking forward to your happiness each day, is strength at another level.
This can rarely go wrong.
I have a friend, who is the first to know about all my achievements. She has me to share with, all her feats, the successful woman she is, in an immediate order as it happens.
This is validation again.
The one that flows generously, without headaches and ill feelings in the digestive system.
Calling loved ones and reminding myself of how much they value me and sharing my experiences and recognizing, through the resultant conversations, that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles, is healthy.

I am glad I could write this.

I am grateful for all the lovely people who make me feel alive and a true part of their sad and happy moments without invalidating my own.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

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Random feelings inside an elevator!

Photo courtesy- Vale Zmekov from Unsplash

Are you an elevator person?

Do you walk into the elevator comfortably and hang out with the rest of them peacefully and in total union with the silence, till your destination arrives?

Or are you among the ones, who see it as a suspension of their autonomy and in want of breathing space and involved in high intensity observation of the eeriness that has walked in presumably ‘with’ you?

For some of us, with no obvious means of escape, we just stand there in silence with a raging inner monologue within us.

I am the apt candidate in topic here. There was a time, I used to feel particularly uncomfortable in standing so close to someone and not being able to say a hello to them.
I would see them almost everyday and while the social contract would say it’s okay to nod and smile, have an exchange of mild greetings, there is a thick part of the population which hates to be exposed to either a stimulating conversation or perhaps gazing eyes at close quarters or the mightiest one of all, which I feel all the time, that they may not be interested in a conversation with me, anyway.

That sheer state of helplessness and hanging in the air feeling which some people exhibit is hugely supported by their actions when the elevator lands. They explode through the doors as if they were buried alive beneath six feet deep soil and were gasping for air.

This is besides many of us who figure out a way to check on their notifications, if signals do exist that is, or have a quick peak into their everflowing mailbox.
Worse, when you enter the elevator midway from the floor between, and are made to feel like a criminal, for bringing any ongoing conversation between the occupants to an abrupt end.
I have claustrophobia and Iam not the best candidate for an experiment but considering that a worry always nags me inside a lift anyway…of God forbid, being mortally stuck inside…

I hence am a great admirer of people who smile instantaneously and invite me with a warm hello which I assure becomes a claustrophobic’s favourite moment and the invitor, a forever favourite liftmate.

Over the years I have internalised a few basic elevator basics to make both myself and the fellow occupant of the elevator comfortable:
1. I make very brief but pleasant eye contact with the person either entering after me or to the one who is already there, when I walk in.
2. If they are a familiar face courtesy- frequent elevator travel, I make sure that I nod or smile and keep a positive demeanour that is mostly well-received by fellow riders.
3. If they are focussed on something—anything—else in the elevator, I let out a friendly but nonchalant ‘hey’.

4. Post the salutation, I usually turn away and have my own ‘looking at the floor’ moment, which gives others the chance to enjoy the ride in peace, without forcing them to engage in small talk.

While practicing good elevator etiquettes is not the motive of this article, it is a good feeling when people don’t feel trapped, in jeopardy or uncomfortable in an otherwise not so dangerous zone.

Thankyou for reading the article!

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The man in the fitting room…

Ever had an embarassing moment, something you felt extremely stupid about? Downright awkward moment?
I think that I possibly attract ‘awkward’.

I usually avoid trial rooms and hence as a fallout of that –buying clothes from a store is minimal. Iam lazy. And not very popular at home with that one.

But the enthusiasm is good when the husband has his day. Quite naturally, formal shirts have to be tested on person, for the right fitting.
One day, he makes his pick and walks towards the trial room- stylishly spaced, with light weight cabinets, classy lighting like all high end business clothing stores are. He chose a couple of them I guess. I asked him that he show me once, after he wears it.
With nothing much to shop for or do around, I thought I would make a good use of my time. I walk around admiring the gorgeous clothing racks, chic room design and everything fashionable. I actually forgot to follow him.
After looking around for say ten minutes, I desired to see a first cut, of how dapper he looked.
I presumed that I looked like a shopping mall cliche- waiting outside the fitting rooms, like I was on trial. I was the only person doing the wait.

It was not an ordeal since I had plenty of room to walk and the soundtrack was one of my favourites like the ones from Spotify. I presume I gambled with the door and without a second thought, knocked on 2nd door and after a couple of knocks, (now when I think back- I was seemingly impatient) some other guy opened the door.

He peeped out in jeans and a hurriedly worn shirt, yet to be tucked in, with handcuffs left loose. I thought for a minute that, he might think that I was volunteering in a charity shop and I was told to keep an eye on him if he used the fitting room well or something like that.

My eagerness and angst never left my usually calm and serene looking face.
I was like, “Sorry! Looking for my husband.”
As if he wanted to ice the joke, he comes back with a smart one. He chuckled, ” Totally fine! The silence is deafening in here, right?”. I wouldn’t know whether that needed a response.
Perhaps he figured and in an attempt to ease the confusion, he gives me some value added information.” I think I saw a guy walking into the tailors section. If that be whom you’re looking for!”
Rarely do you find yourself in awkward moments, feeling foolish, careless and tongue tied all at once. I had mine, in a long time.
No need to hit the gym; I’d already had a workout.

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