I am an Introvert and I know how to have some serious fun.

I am an introvert.

This word defines my existence- the quality of my interactions with others and myself, the quality of my creative self-expression, and the quality of the love in my heart.
Okay, having said that, how many of us cringe at being branded as shy!

We spend our lives fighting accusations of being stuck up, lonely, bashful, averse to conversations and a poor team player.

Infact more often than not, all the above is a figment of imagination.
Let me try and break it up at a general level.

We are alive, cheerful, listening and observing you. We may not talk to you about just everything you may bring to the table, but we will talk to you about life for hours.
And if we open up ourselves to you, know that it means you are very special to us.

Now, read this carefully-

‘As an introvert, I crave meaningful one to one conversation with a like-minded person. When in large groups, I tend to get quiet, and often I’ll get lost in the shuffle. I will shut down completely if the crowd is too large and loud. I’ll make an early exit as soon as I feel overwhelmed. The truth is, I feel more lonely in a large group than I would just being alone. Ahhh…but those conversations with just you and me are like magic. I come alive once again. I open up and invite you to know the real me. It kindles my heart and warms my soul when I capture your undivided attention . No disturbance, no distraction, no interruption.’

It is just our natural temperament and we contribute to the human race in bulk.

For those who struggle to understand if there is anything in life at all that we enjoy, let me try my bit-

1. To begin with most of us have a terrific sense of humour. We can be funny and interesting and most of you have no idea to what extremes.
2. When you see us enjoy that cup of coffee by ourselves, in a bookshop, we are not left out or looking for someone through eternity, to fill the gloom. We go looking for those corner spots.enjoying that perfect little state, between sociability and quiet.
3. When you ask me, why don’t you speak, in all probability I have nothing to say. I just enjoy sitting next to you and listening to you as you speak, crack jokes and having me in splits.Please don’t push me to produce any jokes of my own.
4. You cannot comprehend how much we like depth and space. We look for connections and will not let you go if we find you awesome. We will make it up to you, by entertaining you in our ridiculous ways.
5. Socializing can be draining on us, but trust us when we say, we will never let you be bored. We are full of ideas. Interesting ones. We may appear like we sit and stare at the ceiling when we are not with people, but we can process adventure in the most ordinary settings.
6. Want an understanding confidante! Everyone wants one. We will always be there for you. We dint speak much. And the least we will do is, speak about you to someone else. Most of the timez we are lazy to do that. Jokes apart, no one does practical behind-the-scene work as brilliantly as we do.

Being an extroverted, socially aplomb person is a great thing. I have no friends who are like me. They are all super extroverts. Infact, I will go a step ahead and announce that a couple of my closest and dearets friends, whom I talk to or chat with, almost everyday, are true party girls. They are beautiful, intelligent, socially brilliant and can attend a couple of rock shows, in the same day.

Don’t feel bad about being introverted though. Start by getting to know people who are introverted too and read some books at the bookstore about introversion. I think this will help you not feel bad about it because you will learn that your not alone and there are many introverted people out there.

Introverts can be highly creative, introspective, and discerning… all great qualities.
Our brains are no different from yours, we are not less or more intelligent, just differently skilled.

Besides those who know me up close would promise that I do the loudest and stupidest random shit, when I get comfortable.

And I am going to have fun every day, because there is no other way to play.

She was the heart of the clan, the favourite amongst all the wildflowers. She brought them all together and kept them as a unit across miles. She knew all their secrets and had the greatest stories.

She loved short unplanned naps accompanying her books. Always ready with a warm hug and anyone who approached her was greeted with a charming smile. . She asked for your good company and nothing else at all!
Straightforward but polite, strong but always looking for love, never letting away a laugh, always with a bright smile. She was a wondrous soul always looking for the finer meaning to life.

There was a part of her that never wanted to grow up and she was ok with it. While many others were sore with the blinding rains, she looked out of the window and weaved words in her brilliant mind. While many others partied in colourful bliss, she got together with her pals over long breezy silent walks in their warmth.

Her eyes were unmistakably loud. She spoke a million words without saying anything at all. Her careless postures meant nothing. But she lived her life watching people define movements- through their eyes. She was shy but so what.
The shy ones were the best ones, they were the wildest ones!

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

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I glow without stealing someone else’s sunshine.

Heard the song ‘You can’t break me’ by V Bozeman?
It’s great when you have a friend that gets you – you don’t need to break everything you say down for them to understand – they are rare and most precious people.
I say this from personal experience. We were close, I think. I had met her after a gap of few years. It was a new feeling. Perhaps, even exciting. We were close suddenly.
After about a year of sweet interaction, things changed dramatically. I felt they expected me to be a certain way, perhaps even critical and condescending about just everyone who would hava a good cahnce at life.
I never understand this need to talk about others. I used to take it upon myself to be more present and just not speak when I didn’t have anything to contribute.
I don’t like making my life a subject for anyone and likewise for others too.
Similarly, I would show a complete disinterest in all that she had to talk about any one else, mostly who never mattered to either of us.

After months, I looked in the mirror at myself and spoke out loud, “I’m pissed at you.”

This wasn’t a comment directed at myself, but at a close friend of mine — the person I had started to resent a few weeks prior, but instead of bringing it up at the time, I remained silent, distant, passive.

So there I was, alone at home practicing the very words I wanted to utter on several occasions over several calls, uncertain that I’d have the courage to make it happen. I am always struggling with finding the right way to let the people I care about know that I’m upset, disappointed or simply pissed off.
I felt a huge burden on myself. Initially I couldn’t quite put a finger to what was really going wrong . I nevertheless tried to make up with listening time extended, more calls and appreciation messages on occasions and keeping touch, whenever I felt a dip in the connection. I felt it was all wrong. Not working for me, like I would like it to.

After a while, it was awful to realise they just didn’t care, how I would be hurt and that perhaps they found fault in me, for not living up to a certain expectation of a friend.
I understood we all have our lists of perfect qualities. I knew I didn’t match up to theirs. They had other requirements and clearly I couldn’t have of them! I spent months on my own, day by day, as I got over it with the help of some rational self talk.
Sometimes we find ourselves at crossroads with people that we may have been excited to form bonds with at first, and yet are left wondering why they’re still in your phone contacts or friends on social media now. Sure enough, it can be painful, but it’s alright to shrug your shoulders and say, “We had a beautiful connection once, and I’m grateful for it: but now we’re just in really different places.” Drifting apart doesn’t mean you have to formally sever ties, but it’s OK to find yourself less invested in a friendship that used to be, if not your entire world, an exciting part of it. It doesn’t make me or them a bad person — it’s just about coming to terms with the knowledge that sometimes our full original selves just don’t match with old friends anymore.

(Thankyou for reading this article!)

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You get so alone at times that it just makes sense.

I often wonder why do I feel alone with so many people around. How many of us feel like this?

I have this book resting on the table, in front of me, as I write. Charles Bukowski’s ‘You get so alone at times that it just makes sense’.

This arrived today….. I am 3 poems down.

I bought this on a whim after it was referred to in another book I was reading.
Through the pages,he describes some of his days, events, drowsy nights and moments of solitude.
One of those great books that will bring you to reality, with a knowing smile, endlessly. I like it very much.
I don’t have words for how much I need this right now ..
It s like he spoke for all of. In truth, why do we feel so if we don’t miss anything? Is this in the human nature?

In an alternate setting, I picture this-

I am watching the sun set in my porch with my hair loose and a book to hold. The sky is a combination of oranges and light greys disappearing into the hill, afar. There is a breeze but it’s warm so I let it soak into my tired evening skin.

I am sitting in the shade of twilight and smile for no particular reason… maybe the joy of nothing to do in the moment. contentedness is the word for it.

My muscles are relaxed, no nerve twitches, in the company of people who make me feel seen. Goodness, this is the place I would rather be.

I am singing a song while making my bed and kinda dancing to it, because it just hits different. I feel the lightness in my soul, maybe temporary and go with it, having fun and not caring who sees.

I look deep into the eyes of someone I know and see their beautiful heart. It will change my life for the better, when I do that little excited thing of telling them about it.

I see a new place and my body and soul is warm and fills with curiosity, with wonderment, because everything new that comes my way, takes away a little more pain from what I already knew.

These are the moments to be patient for.

These are the days I want to live for .

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

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How life changed when I invested in Buddhist readings!

I get addicted to anything that makes me feel anything. Because not a lot of things make me feel.

Let me explain how life is complicated and a turmoil, mostly.

About three years ago, I started buying books on Zen and Buddhism, straining my eyes, heart and mind searching for demonstrable results.

I read everything. I didn’t understand most of it, but I tried.

I was born in a South Indian Kerala- Nair family. Of whatever memory I have of the 40 years, I lived so far, my family was not deeply religious nor were they dabbling in meditations and philosophies. Intellectually the feeling was good. It was a straightforward staring into reality mode, most of the time.
Hence, discovery of Buddhist readings was rejuvenating and to a large extent, honestly, entertaining.

So, the basic line was that everything depends on us, how we do the thinking . Therefore to be positive. Think positive and as a habit formation then, spread the happiness to all around you.

Now this is how life slowly, certainly not dramatically changed for the better.

I have a problem in dealing with arguments. Well, not the business, formal ones. With limited emotional outpour in those valleys, my performances there, are usually stellar. I can dip in and come out and I have rarely ruffled sentiments and in the rare cases I do, we find a calm solution.

My weaknesses come to the fore in the other kind. With friends, relatives and in matters of the heart, I fail to deliver on emotional grounds.
If the argument, gets out of hand, I would find myself at a place, from where it is often, difficult to return.
Sadly this new position of hostility becomes solidified and what was once an enjoyable relationship becomes over-shadowed with bitterness – not a good place to be.

For as long as I can remember, I have always crossed back into my own mind when I am upset. Talking to others during these times makes me feels bothersome, at best. This is not conducive to connecting and is usually not helpful in healing, but it’s the way I “work”.

I have always been in awe of friends and acquaintances who have the marvellous ability to let their pain show without drama, pride or self-beating.

Vulnerability has never come easy to me. Yet here I am pouring myself onto a page, day after day. If you were to ask me about it face to face, I would smile a little and maybe throw a laugh in there.
Damn! I can’t be confronted with pity pupils and I am sorry smiles. I retreat inward, I pull up my shields, it’s something I wish I didn’t have to do.

I am a work in progress now and the progress is good.
I give up on people slower and hold on to people tighter. Slipping happens rarely. I have shown an improved ability to read vibes and radiating the appropriate ones.
Earlier, patience never come easy to me, it was a ‘I want what I want, I want it now, no delay’ situation, in my life.
If they hesitated I would move on.
It’s romantic in a way now, when I am steady with my affections .

In slow and painful moments, I remind myself that there are good things left. there are good things coming. there are good things waiting for me. whoever I am, wherever I am, however I am, it can and it will get better.

It’s really great to have someone’s support before you accomplish something big because that’s when you need it the most, so here’s some friendly ghost support for the times before people recognize your greatness!

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

I glow without stealing someone else’s sunshine!

Heard the song ‘You can’t break me’ by V Bozeman?

It’s great when you have a friend that gets you – you don’t need to break everything you say down for them to understand – they are rare and most precious people.

I say this from personal experience. We were close, I think. I had met her after a gap of few years. It was a new feeling. Perhaps, even exciting. We were close suddenly.

After about a year of sweet interaction, things changed dramatically. I felt they expected me to be a certain way, perhaps even critical and condescending about just everyone who would hava a good cahnce at life.
I never understand this need to talk about others. I used to take it upon myself to be more present and just not speak when I didn’t have anything to contribute.

I don’t like making my life a subject for anyone and likewise for others too.
Similarly, I would show a complete disinterest in all that she had to talk about any one else, mostly who never mattered to either of us.

After months, I looked in the mirror at myself and spoke out loud, “I’m pissed at you.”

This wasn’t a comment directed at myself, but at a close friend of mine — the person I had started to resent a few weeks prior, but instead of bringing it up at the time, I remained silent, distant, passive.

So there I was, alone at home practicing the very words I wanted to utter on several occasions over several calls, uncertain that I’d have the courage to make it happen. I am always struggling with finding the right way to let the people I care about know that I’m upset, disappointed or simply pissed off.
I felt a huge burden on myself.

Initially I couldn’t quite put a finger to what was really going wrong . I nevertheless tried to make up with listening time extended, more calls and appreciation messages on occasions and keeping touch, whenever I felt a dip in the connection.

I felt it was all wrong. Not working for me, like I would like it to.

After a while, it was awful to realise they just didn’t care, how I would be hurt and that perhaps they found fault in me, for not living up to a certain expectation of a friend.
I understood we all have our lists of perfect qualities. I knew I didn’t match up to theirs.

They had other requirements and clearly I couldn’t have of them! I spent months on my own, day by day, as I got over it with the help of some rational self talk.

Sometimes we find ourselves at crossroads with people that we may have been excited to form bonds with at first, and yet are left wondering why they’re still in your phone contacts or friends on social media now.

Sure enough, it can be painful, but it’s alright to shrug your shoulders and say, “We had a beautiful connection once, and I’m grateful for it: but now we’re just in really different places.”

Drifting apart doesn’t mean you have to formally sever ties, but it’s OK to find yourself less invested in a friendship that used to be, if not your entire world, an exciting part of it.

It doesn’t make me or them a bad person — it’s just about coming to terms with the knowledge that sometimes our full original selves just don’t match with old friends anymore.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

The different lives I want to live.

(Photo by Simon Hadjucki from Unsplash)

I just really love being with my own thoughts, my own space, room to work on myself, look after myself and not feel so overwhelmed.

A person is always influenced by people, society and media so much that it drives you to believe that you’re not enough, that you don’t have a voice to express yourself only because that you’re afraid of being not right! But when you’re alone, you are able to understand what you like, what you support, what you want to share and how to treat yourself and others.
That is a truly blessing!

I am grateful for the beautiful parts of my life, my ability to learn and grow, my capacity for love and understanding, my ability to adjust and adapt as needed. Grateful for the knowledge I possess and the endless potential I have.
I can’t even imagine being able to choose just one picture of me.

Like I want to be the alluring student in the back of the library all afternoon reading a love story , I want to be the sweet farm girl collecting strawberries and waking up early to pick flowers, I want to be an art student with paint all over my overalls getting up early to draw the city from my apartment balcony, I want to be a skater and a stoner with chains on my jeans and tattoos running up my arms, I want to be a witch living on the outskirts of town, my home filled with all manner of strange plants, animals and potions. I don’t have enough lifetimes for all the people I want to be and so I end up a messy combo of all of it and none of it at once.
Here’s to the stories you tell among your friends around campfires and will never be repeated again. Here’s to the witch in the cabin in the woods and the man with the hook hand on the road, here’s to the things that scare you and cannot be bought or sold. Here’s to the cheesy and gleeful and the ending where everyone lives because you can. Here’s to the things that are not art.
And here’s to the things that are, raise your glass with me, because you are making something bigger than ourselves into a world that would like to throw it out.

Make it bigger still, vaster, hungrier, so enormous that they can no longer label it or assign it value. Make art.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

This is how we will open up to each other!

Photo by David Marcu from Unsplash

We hide so much of ourselves from each other. I do too, because of the fear of comparison and judgement.
Yet, this is how most of us, wake up on most mornings, with similar feelings.

I think the worst part is knowing that if I wanted to, really wanted to, if I tried hard enough, I could wake up and change everything. I could hang out with my friends and not be scared to run out of things to say. I can change my own life at any moment. But I don’t ‘want’ to, you see. How I love being sad, love rotting to boredom, in my room while people have fun without me, in another world. I love imagining little scenarios in my head instead of making them real, like a sad little child playing with dolls.

I love hybernating through seasons of joy. I think I would be bored otherwise. I am afraid to be great and to have everything I think I want. It terrifies me because what I really want, deep down, is to keep hiding. I am scared to admit it but it’s true. It’s the only thing I really love today.

I don’t love my friends all the time, or myself or my work.

As some days pass by, they leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling inside, those are the days I feel, I must jot down in a gratitude journal, to flip back through on my not so great days, to remember why I love life and being alive. Yes those days happen often. I dress up and feel sexy. I wear the smell of my favourite shampoo on my hair. I buy doughnuts and cookies and snap them with children, I listen to podcasts as I work the kitchen sink.

When we are in a dark place, our mind tricks us into thinking that all days are like this and covers our memories in a film of grey and ugliness. I wish to hold on to those days that leave me feeling like there is sunshine in my chest, take photos to remember them by, write notes to read them after days. Even post about them on Elephant!

I know there is something so magical in the environment I create around myself.
A smile at a stranger, a relaxed moment by the residence fountain, a gentleness towards myself and others and knowledge that those who live beyond are feeling the same everyday and looking out for me, like I am secretly, yearning for them.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

Love, expectations and all the shit that comes with it.

People have different capacity for love. They each have a specific size vessel in which they can fill and flow love. It took me a very long time to figure that out. That thought has given me clarity and peace.

I have a couple of friends who are single at my age.

Clearly, they are single because they chose to be on that path.

The reasons may be one of the following-

Firstly,they are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at a particular point in time. They have a career to build, no care for other distractions and their hands are full to make promises of a lifetime, yet.

Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. Pressing and mysterious circumstances knock at everyone’s door, once in a while.

Third, they may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found someone with whom they’re truly compatible.

Some of my friends, never had a problem finding good men to date. When I spoke to them about what they think, they almost unanimously answered that they believed, there is always- someone for everyone. If one man, or woman is “not the one” they may lead you to someone who is. Never drop your standards. Be honest, do a honest self evaluation on yourself. Ask close friends. Some of yours may come up with something similar.

I have another set of well meaning friends who don’t think they exist and are now, tired of being disappointed. It’s not even like they need a carbon copy of themselves , just someone halfway considerate, kind, and appreciative. But goodness, people can be shit.

Damn right. The intensity of your emotions should be understood and reciprocated equally. Else you end up being drained in every relationship.

I have a simple thought on this. Just give up and enjoy your life the best you can. Not everyone is meant for someone, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to have an awful life. I would tell my buddies this thing- that being single is better than being lonely and in a relationship. Don’t settle, don’t sell yourself short! I wonder how one could invest their feelings into someone or just anyone, just to not be alone.

Good partnerships are worth the wait. Everyone’s capacity for love (romantically) is different. It took me some time to learn this.. So many are shallow and/or materialistic or just willing to settle with comfortability. I always say that some people’s love is as deep as a puddle while others is as deep as the sea. I need depth, passion, soul changing love. It can leave you utterly devastated when lost but its the only kind of love that’s worth it .

I’ve been with my husband for fifteen years. We are almost complete opposites, including the way we show love.

Yes we have had ups and downs, been through the F- word journey and still do, almost every day and pardon me God, I wouldn’t get the joy of making up to anyone else but him. The extreme friend and companion.
While a miracle partnership isn’t happening anywhere in the world, common sense would say, enjoy being alone which very few of us can embrace. If you can handle and be happy at the same time of being alone by all means, you can handle any situation with or without someone… Cheers everyone and breathe, remember we all have one life, try not to complicate that.
And to all my single friends, I absolutely love you! I’m so proud of you and your super shiny spirit!!!

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/

I write because I have nothing better to do.

(Source- https://unsplash.com/photos/lBPtkH1Sel4)

How I Write About Love

What do we consider to be a good meeting story?
When it involves chance more than effort. You get bonus points if the chance encounter suggests compatibility, like mistakenly wheeling off with each other’s shopping carts at supermarkets because your items had so much overlap, you got the carts mixed up.
You catch glimpses of familiar faces or a nerve wrecking hello, with the lady in purple, at the elevator, you frequent at work.There is this beautiful disaster. Explosion of curiosity. The onset of displaced feelings.

The Price I pay to Write all this!

Well, the best thing that ever happened to my writing life was living in lockdown.

(Thank-you for reading this article!)

My passion is writing. Everything I write about is geared toward things that I deeply cares about—experiences, thoughts, drama, and emotions. A full-time mom to two handsome boys—11 and 4—I built a career around insurance underwriting and later, teaching of English literature and language in high school, before vanishing into full-time mommy responsibilities. I believe that life is not meant to be serious all of the time, and that we should have fun as much as we can. Besides writing, I enjoy watching spy network series and living it up by creating laugh memes with my two lovely young boys!

To follow my work on.

https://www.facebook.com/sayitnish
http://instagram.com/sayitnish
https://sayitnish.com/